Aftermath

I wasn’t expecting this …
Not at all

I thought, here we go, back into a normal life
Thought it would be easy
Back with my loved ones, back with people who care about me
But its not like that is it …

I am afraid, I live in fear of the Custodian, whatever I do, wherever I go, I fear the constant punishments that it would give out.
I know I’m not being punished, no matter what I do … I have served my time, I am free …. aren’t I ?

I can’t go on like this … well, I can, but it is not fair on those who care for me.
I know what I need, I know what I want … but for all those people who I love and who love me, I cannot do it.

I was asked by someone I consider very wise, if I realise how precious being free is ?
well, yes & no … it’s shown me who my true friends are, it’s shown me how much some people truly do care for me and that in turn has given me a position with a new Mistress and a girl who inexplicably loves me and has become my submissive.
yet, here is the contradiction to my opening lines, I yearn for the contol of the Custodian.

What is wrong with me, that I fear, yet crave the attentions of this emotionless entity known as the Custodian
Why can’t I control this, Why am I so conflicted, Why Why Why Why ……

I need help …. please …. someone

~ by Em Sveiss on October 27, 2008.